Another new year, and some thoughts

Happy New Year.

Last year was a silent year. At least here, in the blog. How will this year be? I don't know. At least there will be one post. This one.

The month of January is the month of beginnings, resolutions, turning a new page, reviewing the past year, and so on. Frankly, I don't know what to review in the past year. I had bad days, and I had good days. I had people who supported during the bad ones and people who celebrated the good ones. So, pretty much like any other year. But the plot of my story hasn't really advanced, except that changed my job. And I am happy with the change. But having said that, I have high hopes for this year. But we wait and hope for better things like any other new year.

I have been thinking of writing this post from the 31st December. Somehow I had the time, like always. So, I have been wondering how do we evolve - it never is a drastic change. It is a slow transformation for our betterment (at least that is what we would like to believe) but we never realize those minute changes until it is too late to turn back.  

I am a woman from the modern era. I had the privilege to get good education, and the opportunity to apply my knowledge in a role of my choice and then continue to do so even after my marriage. Not to mention that I also skipped the elaborate ritual of arranged marriage and married for love. It might not be something to boast about in the western world but very few women in my country fall in this category. Many don't do it by choice, others never had the opportunity. I could consider myself lucky or be grateful to the people around me. I could also give the credit to my stubbornness but that will be too inconsiderate. I think it is a mix of everything. How many girls drop out of school because, they don't have the opportunity or because there is no school around? How many fathers fight with the government to get a school opened for the education of their daughters? How many students give up after their first failure in the entrance exams? How many mothers let their girls leave home for studies or work? There is more and I could go on and on but the point that I am trying to make is that it is not a one sided story. It never is. None of our stories are monologues. And while you should take your due credit, you should never forget all those people who have been responsible for your success in one way other.

So well, this post was not about this. At least not when I had thought of writing this. But I haven't written for so long that there are too many things to write. I am stopping here but I hope I will blog again soon.

As the night comes

Tonight is one of those times when I have no idea why I am up so late. So what do you do when you realize that you are awake even though you have to wake up early next morning. I could go lie down and keep wondering what would make me fall asleep or I could just stop wondering and use the extra hours that have been given to me. Tomorrow is not going to change. I might not wake up early or I might still manage to do so. But that is something that I can care about only when it happens.

There are a couple things that I could do now -

• I could read the book that I picked up two days back - Shantaram. It is a lengthy book that is going to take some time to finish and I haven't been reading much these days.
• I could arrange my wardrobe. I have been meaning to do that for the last two weeks. It would have been more but I wasn't home for the last three months.
• I could finish the entry I started on my Australia trip. No, it is not in the blog. No, it will not be. 
• I could read a few more poems. I started it a couple of days back when a friend asked me to read her a poem. I haven't stopped reading yet. I am sure if this continues, she will regret that she asked me to read her a poem.
• I could finish the leftover work from today morning. Nah! I will do that tomorrow. I will have to wake up early.
• I could blog. So I am blogging. 

I do not have much to blog actually. These days thoughts are too superficial. They just don't form words that I can pen down. The thoughts, they feel like distant whispers, too loud to ignore but too soft to capture. So I have learned to ignore them over time. It is like you get used to the rumbling sound of train if you live near the train tracks or the sound of rain if you stay in a tin roofed house. It is not pleasant, really. It is sad. I wake up in the morning with a hundred things in my mind. Most of them arrange themselves to become to-do lists. Lists that I have to check off before the night comes down. And I still miss quite a few of them. The others that couldn't make into the lists, stay there for days, sometimes months and are not heard until a day like today comes. And then I pick up one of them and pen down a blog or read a poem or talk to someone. And then they are forgotten for another month. A month is too long. But I seem to notice it only after it has passed.

They all say that we are given all equal time. I must keep losing those somewhere. Perhaps I have just misplaced them somewhere and there will come a day when I will have so much time that I wouldn't know what to do with them.

Not that I sleepy, yet. But the fact that I have to wake up early tomorrow is nagging me somewhere in my mind so I will take leave. Just in case you want to listen to my poetry reading, you can click here. And by any chance if you happen to like it and have any request, leave me a comment.

Good night. 

In Search of a Lost World

Before I was out of kindergarten, I had already tried falling into rabbit holes, getting inside mirrors and climbing up trees, none of which led to any different world. Before long I realized that the only thing that entered at night through my open window was cold and sore throat but never any one called Peter Pan nor any flying object that remotely resembled a fairy. I should have given up at that time but I didn't.

Before I started my high school I was sure that the charming prince that all the stories kept talking about was somewhere  out there but in a different country or place, certainly he couldn't be from the same place that I stayed in. There was nothing charming about the boys I knew. By the time I went to high school, I had no interest in the prince anymore, charming or otherwise. There were other worlds of mystery and adventure that occupied my mind. By the time I finished my high school, I was so impressed by these imaginary worlds that I wanted to make one of my own. I believed everyone has a story and I believed each one of them are worth telling. And so I took time to listen to those. A friend once accused me of being a story stealer. The thought made me a little proud and I hoped with each story I stole, I was making my own story richer and better.

I wanted to tell my story. But I never did. Not after I finished high school, not in the college, not after graduation, not while I started working, not when I joined my post graduate course and not after I finished it, not when the corporate world sucked me up for the second time and not even now. Because, I don't have a story. At least not yet or rather not anymore.

By now I have lost even the fragments of my imaginary world. I don't have the thoughts or the characters who kept my childhood alive and colorful. Nor do I remember their features or presence. In fact I have started having doubts if they ever existed. They probably didn't. It is just that up until then, I believed that they did. Now I don't. I have heard, seen and read many stories. They all are still worth telling but perhaps I was mistaken. In the course of listening so many stories, I forgot how to tell one. And so now I no more want to create a world of my own. I just want to roam about or get lost in all those other created worlds. May be, just may be then I will find some of the fragments of my world back.

And so time passes

"I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I am tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?" - The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

That's the latest book I have picked up. There are a few more around. Some half read, some still not started and some on the verge of ending. They keep me company. It feels good to have books around me. Not a lot. Just a few so that I know I have something to do when I don't want to think or talk or when I can't sleep and songs are not enough. Most of the time I pick up a book and that makes everything simple. Cooking helps too but most of the time I used to be lazy. I have improved. One more task just gives me more choices on what to do to not think.

Then I pick up random hobbies. Blogging used to be a big thing once upon a time. One time I started crafts. Gifted that to someone. I started sketching. continued it for sometime but left all my books back at home so now I have to go buy them again. That will go in to my list of things to do. I picked up origami recently and used all available waste papers at home to makes all kinds of birds, flowers, butterflies. But it took too much space so I suspended a few of them above my bed and pasted the rest on the walls. If nothing else, it made my room a little more lively. Something that makes me smile every time I enter the room.  

Weekends, I meet up friends, go for a movie (rarely) or a play (latest craze) or just make a list of things to buy and go shopping. I am not much of a shopper. Not when alone unless there is something specific that I want to buy. Discs and pubs don't excite me at all so those places are not even thought of unless someone else suggests and even then most of the time I find a reason to not go. I wish I started writing again. But these  days words seem to just disappear before I can pen them down. Then again when I am trying to run away from thinking, how can I write. But I will again, soon.

"I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way." - The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Veiled Existence

There is only so much that one can know about somebody. The truth is that the picture is always incomplete. Add to that fact that we are all evolving everyday. What I believed yesterday might be a fairy tale today or what I will believe tomorrow might be even unknown to me today. But that should not be a surprise because how much do we even know ourselves. We try to complete our own picture everyday  not for others but for ourselves.

And yet, every single day while going through our daily chores, meeting the same people we met yesterday, we keep thinking that we know them. We don't. We never will, just as they will never know us. It is common for most of us to complain from the very teenage days or sometimes even before that nobody understands. The opposite perspective is always lost: that we never understand anybody either. I could extend it further saying that even if I understood someone at that one moment of interaction we had, it was lost the very next moment because we evolve every single moment. May be the everyday effort to understand every single person around us is like the myth of Sisyphus: futile but still repeated.

Then again it is necessary at some level to understand a person so that you can interact. As a part of the society, that probably is the most important code of conduct that we follow. We try to complete the picture we have no idea about by our own whims and fancies and then when we have done so, we claim we have understood everyone. An illusion we create, nurture and defend for life. What can we do, after all to err is human.

Credits:

Inspiration for sketch

Random Things About Me

DREAMER

You're a romantic in your outlook with a bit of taste for the exotic. You love feeling the sea breeze in your hair, sun on your skin... You always take the first dip. Your choice of drink shows you care about your health and make sure you're putting the right stuff in. When it comes to holidays you reckon they should always be indulgent -  a very special treat and a chance to recharge your batteries in luxurious surrounding as well as spending quality time with family and friends.

 THRILLER

As for the home you have an expressive personality with contemporary taste. You like to be surrounded by the precious possessions that define who you are. For kicks you like to be spoilt rotten. It's always so much fun opening gifts. nothing beats that kind of surprise.

BACK TO BASICS
When it comes to art you find beauty in the world around you. Nothing is more precious than natural treasures. As for music it's the soundtrack to your world. You're up to speed with downloading and your mp3 is always close by. Music helps you concentrate. you probably find it hard to ever switch it off. You're never happier than when you are snuggled up eyes shut. So whether you're worn out or just plain lazy lay back relax and catch up on some zzzzzs! When you think of freedom - the great outdoors spring to mind. Getting back to nature is a big draw. It's the perfect place to find peace and quiet.

THOUGHTFUL

You're an indulgent character and you treasure your possessions. You're a magpie; if it sparkles you just have to have it! For you friendship is all about being there for one another. You can't imagine life without your best friends. And they are the first place you go when you need some advice or a shoulder to cry on.

Well, not bad I would say.

Find you VisualDNA.

String of Pearls

Ever wondered what keeps us going? Millions of people wake up everyday to go about their daily routine. What would happen if one fine morning everyone decides "that is it!" It's not really an uncommon question. Most of us have wondered about this, if not for personal reason then surely for professional reasons but have we really found the answer?

My latest sketch

 Dreams never give up!

Morning Blues

It is said that time flies. Usually I agree. And yet the last few days have been a challenge to watch the time pass. May be when they came up with the idea that anxiety dilates time, this is what they meant. They talked about fear but who knows if there are similar other feelings.They might have forgotten about boredom.
Morning sleep has never been a problem for me. Sleeping again after waking up in the wee hours of dawn has been what I may call my 'forte'. And my mom is sure to second that. Yet for the last few days that is exactly what has been a challenge to me. I wake up and I fail to fall asleep again. Let me clarify that I have nothing to do in the morning that might force me to wake up early. No office, no classes, no commitments to keep. I can wake up as late as I want but the 'can' part doesn't seem to work.

On a day like today

Dear Silence,

Most of the time I love rains. And I have really cherished memories about them be it in the school days, college or work as must be evident from my numerous chats with you regarding rains. Although sometimes the muddy puddles in the middle of the road are a cause of too much inconvenience specially after rain has left. And yet the early morning drizzle like that of today often fills me with apprehension and gloom. If I wake up to rain, the most usual thing to do is to go back to sleep and wake up a little later hoping that I have successfully shortened the gloomy day to some extent. Unless commitments of the day render such a plan completely useless. In that case I just give in to my feelings.

On my way to Neverland

Well it so happened that a few days back, I stumbled upon a quiz that would let me know which fairytale character was my alter ego. Curious little child as I am, I couldn't fight the urge to find it out. And guess where did I stand? The one and only PETER PAN !!!

If you are one of those who are acquainted with the fairytale characters, I need not tell you about Peter Pan and his Neverland. And well I have that fantastic habit of looking into small incidents and work them into something deeper. So this five minutes quiz led me to this post of mine. Well, probably if I was to find my alter ego among the characters from books of Lewis Caroll and not fairytales, I would have landed up with Alice and then this blog would have been named "Down the Rabbit Hole". I suppose by now, you have understood which trait of mine guided me to Peter Pan - just that "I don't want to grow up"

The statement seems to come from an extremely pampered and spoiled child who doesn't want to take her responsibilities. Isn't it?? Well, whether I am like that or not that is for you to decide if you know me (if you do not, plss don't bother). I for myself will of course not agree that I am either a pampered child or a spoilt girl. :D

Then comes the obvious question... "Why then I do not want to grow up?"

Time does move on, isn't it? In a pace of its own, often pushing us into caves of wonder and then again pulling us back. I too am one of those victims of time. I travel in its course like every mortal being sometimes looking back at the attributes I gathered on my way and the ones I left somewhere behind. This time when I looked back or should I say looked into my heart, I found yes, I really don't want to grow up because on my way to this stage among all the facets that I imbibed, there are things like cynical approach to life, mistrust for not just people but situations and probably for this world as a whole and something called apprehension for this moment as well as for something that I have not anticipated yet, that is yet to come.

I know you will protest, you will say I have learnt so many things. Yes, you are right. I have learnt many things like - to look into this world and say "I know you are faking, so am I", that whenever I look a falling star and wish for something, I deceive myself, that fairies are just whims, that the characters from the books of Enid Blyton and Lewis Carroll cannot come to life, that I cannot wander in this cosmos on a floating cloud, that when a tree is thick and stout it doesn't mean it will lead to the world of elves. That if I see the moon smiling, it is my stupid mind and not the moon, that winds do not whisper secrets into my ears they just cause vibrations that reach our eardrums, that the scintillating dewdrops that I see in the morning are not jewels of some celestial beings but just droplets of water, that if someone says something, it doesn't mean it is true.

I miss those times of intrepidity when I thought this world is a beautiful place, that people are veracious, when I believed in the existence of innocence, when I was credulous enough to believe that I can reach the moon climbing up a ladder, when I was ignorant of pretence and feigning (and now I have trouble convincing myself that I am true), when it was not known to me that in between the colours of black and white, there is one more shade - grey. When I had not noticed that a frown is just a smile turned upside down and it doesn't take time to swap them at least the smile to a frown, and what's more I hate to realize again and again that my world of imagination is not a part of the real world. There is a very wide gap between them that I can never fill up and someday I will have to leave that beautiful world of mine forever.

I can give you a hundred more reasons why I don't want to grow up, why I miss being a child (as if I am not!!!) but for now this is enough.

And I know, now you will pour down all your reasoning in favour of growing up, isn't it?? You know what? I hate that my mind acquiesces that you are right, that even while I continue to grumble against growing up, somewhere deep down I know growing up is JUSTIFIED and I hate this fact!!!

Dawning

Welcome to my BLOG!!!

Well to start with, I used to think blogging is a very strange way of communicating thoughts... and I often thought why do people do so. And curious as I was I thought of experimenting with it myself and find out what makes blogging so interesting... so here I am opening up my own Blog page.

"Silence" - I have always associated silence with thinking and isn't blog all about thoughts... so this is all about my "silence"

As and when some thoughts come to my mind, I will keep updating this page... but don't expect too much.