Another new year, and some thoughts

Happy New Year.

Last year was a silent year. At least here, in the blog. How will this year be? I don't know. At least there will be one post. This one.

The month of January is the month of beginnings, resolutions, turning a new page, reviewing the past year, and so on. Frankly, I don't know what to review in the past year. I had bad days, and I had good days. I had people who supported during the bad ones and people who celebrated the good ones. So, pretty much like any other year. But the plot of my story hasn't really advanced, except that changed my job. And I am happy with the change. But having said that, I have high hopes for this year. But we wait and hope for better things like any other new year.

I have been thinking of writing this post from the 31st December. Somehow I had the time, like always. So, I have been wondering how do we evolve - it never is a drastic change. It is a slow transformation for our betterment (at least that is what we would like to believe) but we never realize those minute changes until it is too late to turn back.  

I am a woman from the modern era. I had the privilege to get good education, and the opportunity to apply my knowledge in a role of my choice and then continue to do so even after my marriage. Not to mention that I also skipped the elaborate ritual of arranged marriage and married for love. It might not be something to boast about in the western world but very few women in my country fall in this category. Many don't do it by choice, others never had the opportunity. I could consider myself lucky or be grateful to the people around me. I could also give the credit to my stubbornness but that will be too inconsiderate. I think it is a mix of everything. How many girls drop out of school because, they don't have the opportunity or because there is no school around? How many fathers fight with the government to get a school opened for the education of their daughters? How many students give up after their first failure in the entrance exams? How many mothers let their girls leave home for studies or work? There is more and I could go on and on but the point that I am trying to make is that it is not a one sided story. It never is. None of our stories are monologues. And while you should take your due credit, you should never forget all those people who have been responsible for your success in one way other.

So well, this post was not about this. At least not when I had thought of writing this. But I haven't written for so long that there are too many things to write. I am stopping here but I hope I will blog again soon.

On the journeys of my life

I remember travelling a lot. Every two or three years, we would pack our bags and set off for a new destination. Not all of them have been awesome but I grew to love them nevertheless. I loved the places and more than that I loved the preparation, the journey, the anticipation before knowing where I will be next.  I have never stopped boasting about it. Even today if I get a chance, I do that. I tell people that the number of states that I lived in is more than I can count on my fingers, I tell them that I have lived the life of the drought prone villages as well as the national capital of the country. I tell them I had travelled in trains, buses, flights, jeeps, and even trucks before I was even 10. I never, never regret those journeys or places. I am not in touch with any of the people from there. I don't think I will recognise them if I ever come across any of them. I don't think I remember the places much either but only in bits and pieces, the amazing journeys and the feelings that came with it. 

But I was young then, intrigued by the idea of new people, new places, new stories, new friends. Later in life, I have wondered how different would I have been if there were no journeys. I have wondered how is it to grow up rooted in a single place with same neighbours, with friends whom you know from childhood throughout your life. I have wondered if it would have been much the same. Perhaps not. Today I know that transfers are different from travels. That it is possible to travel and still be rooted to a place. I don't know how different that would have been or how similar. I know that if I have to choose for today, I will choose travel over transfer but not for yesterday. 

The yesterday's journeys have given me a thirst for novelty, curiosity to know more, travel (a little), to try and know people, to be a little more sensitive to differences, to be open to ideas, to be comfortable with solitude and more than that to love books. But perhaps it is also because of travels, that the idea of settling down unsettles me.To be in a place with no thoughts of ever leaving it, frightens me. The journeys have also made me detest cities. I like the calmness of towns and villages better. I probably miss out the fact that there are less luxuries and opportunities there, that my line of work allows me to stay only in big cities (That's not true at all. Never believe that no matter what your line of work is!). But the cities scare me and I continue to live there. (Such is life!) 

They say the towns are no better these days. But how can they say, when they don't know what is it that I am scared of, when I have no idea what is it that I scared of. We are shaped by the journeys we have taken and also the ones that we have missed. A person can be known better by the things he or she evades than the ones he or she is ready to confront. How much do I know myself?

In Search of a Lost World

Before I was out of kindergarten, I had already tried falling into rabbit holes, getting inside mirrors and climbing up trees, none of which led to any different world. Before long I realized that the only thing that entered at night through my open window was cold and sore throat but never any one called Peter Pan nor any flying object that remotely resembled a fairy. I should have given up at that time but I didn't.

Before I started my high school I was sure that the charming prince that all the stories kept talking about was somewhere  out there but in a different country or place, certainly he couldn't be from the same place that I stayed in. There was nothing charming about the boys I knew. By the time I went to high school, I had no interest in the prince anymore, charming or otherwise. There were other worlds of mystery and adventure that occupied my mind. By the time I finished my high school, I was so impressed by these imaginary worlds that I wanted to make one of my own. I believed everyone has a story and I believed each one of them are worth telling. And so I took time to listen to those. A friend once accused me of being a story stealer. The thought made me a little proud and I hoped with each story I stole, I was making my own story richer and better.

I wanted to tell my story. But I never did. Not after I finished high school, not in the college, not after graduation, not while I started working, not when I joined my post graduate course and not after I finished it, not when the corporate world sucked me up for the second time and not even now. Because, I don't have a story. At least not yet or rather not anymore.

By now I have lost even the fragments of my imaginary world. I don't have the thoughts or the characters who kept my childhood alive and colorful. Nor do I remember their features or presence. In fact I have started having doubts if they ever existed. They probably didn't. It is just that up until then, I believed that they did. Now I don't. I have heard, seen and read many stories. They all are still worth telling but perhaps I was mistaken. In the course of listening so many stories, I forgot how to tell one. And so now I no more want to create a world of my own. I just want to roam about or get lost in all those other created worlds. May be, just may be then I will find some of the fragments of my world back.

And so time passes

"I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I am tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?" - The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

That's the latest book I have picked up. There are a few more around. Some half read, some still not started and some on the verge of ending. They keep me company. It feels good to have books around me. Not a lot. Just a few so that I know I have something to do when I don't want to think or talk or when I can't sleep and songs are not enough. Most of the time I pick up a book and that makes everything simple. Cooking helps too but most of the time I used to be lazy. I have improved. One more task just gives me more choices on what to do to not think.

Then I pick up random hobbies. Blogging used to be a big thing once upon a time. One time I started crafts. Gifted that to someone. I started sketching. continued it for sometime but left all my books back at home so now I have to go buy them again. That will go in to my list of things to do. I picked up origami recently and used all available waste papers at home to makes all kinds of birds, flowers, butterflies. But it took too much space so I suspended a few of them above my bed and pasted the rest on the walls. If nothing else, it made my room a little more lively. Something that makes me smile every time I enter the room.  

Weekends, I meet up friends, go for a movie (rarely) or a play (latest craze) or just make a list of things to buy and go shopping. I am not much of a shopper. Not when alone unless there is something specific that I want to buy. Discs and pubs don't excite me at all so those places are not even thought of unless someone else suggests and even then most of the time I find a reason to not go. I wish I started writing again. But these  days words seem to just disappear before I can pen them down. Then again when I am trying to run away from thinking, how can I write. But I will again, soon.

"I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way." - The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

One such evening

It was only half past seven in the evening. On normal days, you could still hear the din of the street. The lively chatting of the workers packing for the day, the crowded buses returning people after their day's work, the incessant beeps of the impatient commuter, and even the footsteps of the innumerable pedestrians. This time of evening, on a weekday, was as busy as the morning hour when people just began their day of work. Yet, today one had to strain one's ears to hear the same sounds. 

Not that the streets were empty but the crowd was missing. Only distant noise of passing vehicles could be heard. What was unmistakable was the occasional rumble in the sky. Neither threatening nor fearful but like a pompous notice of arrival. The ambiance was shadowy tending to sombre but not quite gloomy. The sky was overcast with dark clouds. The sun was already resting behind the horizon. And the empty sky was the cloud's playground. Their game was not violent or intense, only filled with not loud yet booming roar of thunder that were inter-spaced by the murmurs of the trees. 

The night had started to arrive early today, but the stars were not yet out. Outside, the current time could easily be forgotten. Only the street lamps devotedly lighted up the open. If you had not known that the lights are typically switched off before midnight, you could easily confuse the hour to be quite late. The wind teased the trees mischievously as it traversed its unknown path and the trees in turn giggled and swayed. The lights and shadows from the synthetic illuminations from the nearby buildings gave the surrounding an unnatural glow that could hardly swallow the duskiness caused by the nature. Rather, the contrast gave it an undeserved prominence. The cold whiff of the wind tingled the skin. The chill could only graze the surface but the cool sensation was welcome after the past few days. A slight drizzle was bestowed temporarily. It would have gone almost unnoticed if the scent from the newly-wet ground had not filled up the air. The freshness from the balmy earth diffused impartially and for sometime you could smell the lushness of a beginning everywhere.

The air was still now, the trees silent. The clouds had returned the sky to the night, their game over. This was not their destination, just a hiatus. The stars have taken their positions and are now glowing undisputed. With the air undisturbed, the transient fragrance of freshness is also lost. Only the chill that brushed the skin remained, not as a tingle anymore but a memory, and a flicker of sureness that next time, it will rain.

Credit for photo

String of Pearls

Ever wondered what keeps us going? Millions of people wake up everyday to go about their daily routine. What would happen if one fine morning everyone decides "that is it!" It's not really an uncommon question. Most of us have wondered about this, if not for personal reason then surely for professional reasons but have we really found the answer?

Morning Blues

It is said that time flies. Usually I agree. And yet the last few days have been a challenge to watch the time pass. May be when they came up with the idea that anxiety dilates time, this is what they meant. They talked about fear but who knows if there are similar other feelings.They might have forgotten about boredom.
Morning sleep has never been a problem for me. Sleeping again after waking up in the wee hours of dawn has been what I may call my 'forte'. And my mom is sure to second that. Yet for the last few days that is exactly what has been a challenge to me. I wake up and I fail to fall asleep again. Let me clarify that I have nothing to do in the morning that might force me to wake up early. No office, no classes, no commitments to keep. I can wake up as late as I want but the 'can' part doesn't seem to work.

My Watchlist - Animation II

Now those of you who read my last movies post (My Watchlist - Animation), took my suggestion and watched the last 5 movies then decided never to take my suggestion ever again, this list is for you. Basically it is a fun list with animations as you expect them to be.

I will start with Up. Amazing movie!!! This is a movie that tells you that neither romance nor adventure has anything to do with age. So those of you thought that in the coming years, age is going to be your excuse for shying away from either of these, it is time you found another excuse. And there is another thing that this movie says ... but if I tell you that there wouldn't be much left in the movie. So go find it yourself. 

My Watch List - Animation

This is not a movie review.

During my stay in K, I had the chance to watch a couple of movies. Animation was top in my list and luckily I found quite a lot of them. :) Here is a list (not in any particular order) of some interesting animated movies that I came across. Not all of these are watched in K but I remember most of them are. I will skip the usual favorites of Toy Story, Lion King, etc but I cannot skip Wall E. 

Anybody with even the slightest interest in animation, must watch this.  I could tell you the summary but why spoil the fun, and anyways IMDB is always there for that. So it is the story of a lonely robot who falls in love and then moves across the universe (literally to find her). Now that plot itself would melt the heart of any romantic but that is not all. The movie is also about us and how we will have destroyed the earth. It is also about technology taking over us and about hope. But most of all I love it because there is so so much expressed in the movie with the minimum words.Lets start with the lighter ones now.

A Birthday is a gateway between old year and new
An opening to the future where we can get a wider view
Birthdays are gateways to what future holds

And to greater understanding as the story of life unfolds.

-Anon.

Aptly said! At least in my case it does, for my birthday marks the end of another session, another year here and the period of togetherness with some people.

So this year, finally the day came (246) :D. The day started at 00.00 with bone breaking, back bashing (to say the least) bumps. The cake was cut but it ended with the cream on my face. This was the beginning.

The end however was better (actually it would have been the best if only it were not the end).

A surprise treat (!!!) (to say the least)

All in all one of my most wonderful birthday. I will save the proceedings of the day for cherishing the people present and that too through their own memory for my words may not bring out their charms as they actually were.

Of course, this birthday or its speciality is not confined to just 24 hrs. It brings with itself all the times of my laughter throughout this year. As for gifts, well there are too many to mention, I will mention just one - of all the accessories I have, the one I treasure the most, the one that I nowadays wear too often (and may this always be so) is the sweet smile (read as horrible grin) that adorns my face - a gift forever!

A princess of her own world
A girl often termed special
There is nothing so unique about her
Nothing that makes her ideal
Except that there in her vicinity
Live people who are wonderful
Who treat her in a way that
Makes her think she does rule!

For all those wonderful people of my world, here in this hostel, and here in this institute, I don't have words to say how much grateful I am for you all. And on this special day, if I were asked to make a single wish, the only wish I would ask is that may I be saved from any invidious feelings from others for all the special people I have in my life.


"Always remember you are an absolutely unique individual just like everybody else". This often makes me wonder what is so special about me. I know it today. It is not me, it is the people around me.

On my way to Neverland

Well it so happened that a few days back, I stumbled upon a quiz that would let me know which fairytale character was my alter ego. Curious little child as I am, I couldn't fight the urge to find it out. And guess where did I stand? The one and only PETER PAN !!!

If you are one of those who are acquainted with the fairytale characters, I need not tell you about Peter Pan and his Neverland. And well I have that fantastic habit of looking into small incidents and work them into something deeper. So this five minutes quiz led me to this post of mine. Well, probably if I was to find my alter ego among the characters from books of Lewis Caroll and not fairytales, I would have landed up with Alice and then this blog would have been named "Down the Rabbit Hole". I suppose by now, you have understood which trait of mine guided me to Peter Pan - just that "I don't want to grow up"

The statement seems to come from an extremely pampered and spoiled child who doesn't want to take her responsibilities. Isn't it?? Well, whether I am like that or not that is for you to decide if you know me (if you do not, plss don't bother). I for myself will of course not agree that I am either a pampered child or a spoilt girl. :D

Then comes the obvious question... "Why then I do not want to grow up?"

Time does move on, isn't it? In a pace of its own, often pushing us into caves of wonder and then again pulling us back. I too am one of those victims of time. I travel in its course like every mortal being sometimes looking back at the attributes I gathered on my way and the ones I left somewhere behind. This time when I looked back or should I say looked into my heart, I found yes, I really don't want to grow up because on my way to this stage among all the facets that I imbibed, there are things like cynical approach to life, mistrust for not just people but situations and probably for this world as a whole and something called apprehension for this moment as well as for something that I have not anticipated yet, that is yet to come.

I know you will protest, you will say I have learnt so many things. Yes, you are right. I have learnt many things like - to look into this world and say "I know you are faking, so am I", that whenever I look a falling star and wish for something, I deceive myself, that fairies are just whims, that the characters from the books of Enid Blyton and Lewis Carroll cannot come to life, that I cannot wander in this cosmos on a floating cloud, that when a tree is thick and stout it doesn't mean it will lead to the world of elves. That if I see the moon smiling, it is my stupid mind and not the moon, that winds do not whisper secrets into my ears they just cause vibrations that reach our eardrums, that the scintillating dewdrops that I see in the morning are not jewels of some celestial beings but just droplets of water, that if someone says something, it doesn't mean it is true.

I miss those times of intrepidity when I thought this world is a beautiful place, that people are veracious, when I believed in the existence of innocence, when I was credulous enough to believe that I can reach the moon climbing up a ladder, when I was ignorant of pretence and feigning (and now I have trouble convincing myself that I am true), when it was not known to me that in between the colours of black and white, there is one more shade - grey. When I had not noticed that a frown is just a smile turned upside down and it doesn't take time to swap them at least the smile to a frown, and what's more I hate to realize again and again that my world of imagination is not a part of the real world. There is a very wide gap between them that I can never fill up and someday I will have to leave that beautiful world of mine forever.

I can give you a hundred more reasons why I don't want to grow up, why I miss being a child (as if I am not!!!) but for now this is enough.

And I know, now you will pour down all your reasoning in favour of growing up, isn't it?? You know what? I hate that my mind acquiesces that you are right, that even while I continue to grumble against growing up, somewhere deep down I know growing up is JUSTIFIED and I hate this fact!!!

Apprehension

When I first thought of blogging this, it was to share a 10 minutes experience on a very normal platform of a station. If I tell you that all I did was standing there for the whole of 10 minutes and looking at people passing by, you will find it funny that I would want to share it. But for me, in that 10 minutes I decided that I wanted to come back there to relive some of the cherished moments spent there in the duration of my 7 years stay there.

Before actually coming back there, I nursed an apprehension in my heart with care so that I do not expect too much from those moments I was going to spend. That apprehension then, one day turned into a poem. This post is all about it.

I talked about my journey down the memory lane and how I struggled to find someone known there, that I found the place unfamiliar.

And though my mind shouted
The place was not unknown
My little heart could sense
All familiarity had gone

That I found the people speaking a language I did not know, that there was nobody I could recognize, that although in my times I knew all the roads, this time I found the paths strange.

The air that I thought had been
The soul of my life
Suffocated me so much that
To breath, I had to strive

I am frightened at the thought of going back or even looking at it once. Then finally at the end I console myself

Past is but memory
Locked up in the mind
But that in the present
Can I again find?

Well, I finally went to that place and relived all those moments with my dear friends and you will be probably glad to know that my apprehension was shattered into fragment I need not ever gather. Somethings really live forever as they are left.

Realization

We all take our life as single entity (at least I am guilty of doing so). What we do not realize that there are actually so many people who are connected to our life in some way or other. And I am not talking only about the people close to our lives like parents and acquaintances but someone distant as well. Someone we might even not know, for example imagine you came to work today by a rickshaw. It could be that it was his first earning of the day. You didn't even know that or even give a thought that you were responsible. And if I think in the opposite way, think of the person you refused. Who knows, may be he didn't even get a meal!!! By telling all this my intention is neither "blaming" nor "praising" anybody. I am just writing down my thoughts.

This was probably a very direct example. There could be something very indirect.

If you have been to the mechanical lab (I am sorry if you r not an engineer), you must have seen the gears. One is responsible to rotate the other and the process continues as long as there is another gear. May be the whole thing works like that. The influence of one person's action (one gear) on the other person (another gear) depends on the situation (like in case of gear it depends on the no of teeth). Ah!!! what a technical way of speaking ;)

But may be for now I should concentrate on closer things and not on the distant ones because they are actually in my hands. Realization is quite a thing, but what if u realize you are mistaken yet you know you have actually let the whole situation go out of your hands, that just as you think your life as a single entity there may be someone else doing the same thing. And that his/her actions will probably influence your life in a strong way. It is then that I come to know, well life is not so simple either mine or someone else'.  That human are social beings. It is all interwoven in a very complex manner and I cannot separate myself from the whole web-like stuff.

But the whole thing is soon forgotten. Until another situation arises or I am given another 'lecture'!!! But then thankfully I have those persons who keep giving me those lectures, whether or not i listen to them.

Thanks to those special persons of my life and if I have ever been a cause of pain. All I can say is I am sorry.