Miracle

Do you believe in miracles?

I know thats a very strange question, firstly because "miracles" so to say has no defined realm. Something that seems miracle to you may seem quite an ordinary thing for somebody else. But I was still wondering how many people actually believe in miracles. I could have have asked "Do you believe in God?" as well but then that is one question to which people almost answer mechanically. I call myself Agnostic. But sometimes I wonder if I took that stance just to evade that question. Anyways I was talking about miracles. So before you think about my earlier question, you have to be clear what the word means to you.

When I was child, I always looked at dewdrops with awe and thought them to be jewels provided by nature that adorn the neck of mother earth. After sometime I realised it is just water. But then isnt Diamond that transfers its sparkle to the beholder just carbon (or should I say 'coal' to put it more crudely). So whats wrong if my precious little dewdrop transfers its sparkle to my eyes and I see it not as "just water" !

See, that morning dewdrop is a 'miracle' for me. I can cite a hundred other examples that seem a miracle from my eyes. What then is your 'miracle'?

[This post is inspired by Anks'poem (specially the last stanza) and Paulo Coelho but these are my thoughts that I have tried to put up.]

Slipped away moments.

As I watch people moving around me so fast, I wonder am I standing still. (Ah that reminds me of "relative velocity") . Did time move away from me or did I run away? Probably we both diverged from each other and are still doing. (the universe is expanding). In the course of such a journey so many things have slipped away from my hand and I barely noticed. Coming home is a reminder of those slipped away things.

Each time I come home, my father tells me to look into my room and discard away the things that I dont need. I sit back and open the briefcases and cartons one by one and look at those memoirs of my school days. Each of them telling me a story. Cards, gifts, letters, photographs, slambooks, sometimes even a dried up leaf or flower carefully kept between the pages of my diary.

A few more steps back and I find my old dolls, torn and neglected. Once they used to be my constant companions. And as I go through the albums, it doesnt take much to relive those moments of birthday parties, the hue and cry I used to make to go there, the games, the delicious dishes, the surprises and the lost friends. I still remember some of the birthdays though I dont have any idea where to wish them... nov 22nd, dec 15th, march 6th... so many more. Have you ever tried holding grains of sand or even water in your clenched fist? It feels the same way.

But it doesnt end there. I am talking about things that left me long back and are too far way now. How about the things that slipped away recently. Here in my room, I find my unread books, unfinished poems and a story that I left half written, letters that I never posted, cards that I never sent, gifts that I never packed, paintings that I never completed, a diary entry which ended just with the date (I wonder what was it that I wanted to write).

I pack them back just as they were, not a single thing discarded, quietly saying "next time, dad, next time" and wondering will the next time ever come.

Seven Things

Anks tagged me ... so here I am racking my brains!!! It wasn't as easy as I thought.

Seven Things you want to do before you die:

Visit Austrailia.
A cruise trip (well i am scared of sea voyage although :D)
Yell my lungs out at some Echo point.
Learn skiing.
Publish my poems (someday... sometime)
Plan and design my own house!!!
Read every book written! (I agree with Anks)
Understand people (in general. specially my friends) - This is tougher!!!

Seven Things you can do:

Waste time for hours together without even realising i am doing it
Convince people (most, not all)
Sing (specially when i am alone)
Listen to PJs the whole day! (Thanks to the people around me)
Talk, talk and talk (Some friends will vouch for this and...)
Be silent for hours and hours (Some friends will vouch for this too :D)
Read books any number of them as long as the whole day and whole night.

Seven Things you say most:

As if I care!
Oh pleeeeeeeasssse!!!
Sun to...
Achha ek baat batao...
Absolutely.
Pagal ho kya?
Wohi to!!!

Seven Things you can't do:

Stay awake the night before exam and study.
Paint (I wish I could :( )
Convince about something that i am not convinced about.
Dance. (Keep me away from that)
Watch more than 3 movies in a day (plssss gimme a break!!!)
Drive a car alone (I am learning)
Flatter people just to find my way out.

Seven Things that attract you to the opposite sex:

Sense of humour (humour not sarcasm)
Intelligence .
A sense of responsibility.
Patience
Respect for certain things.
Personality (includes dressing sense).
Ability to handle unexpected situations.

Seven Celebrity crushes:

Aamir Khan (used to be)
Priyanshu Chatterjee (used to be)
Sonu Nigam (used to be)
Saurav Ganguly (used to be)
Aditya (Son of Madhav Rao Scindia)
Jimmy Shergill (used to be)
SRK

Thats it!!!

[ps: my fancies, wishes and whims are subject to change very frequently. so whatever is written above although were very much true while i was writing them, they may not be so while u r reading :) . this does not apply to the information written below. i mean if u r tagged, u r.!!!]

Seven People you want to tag:

Kaps
Shubhra
Khushi
Priya
Ritu
Ruchika
Vagabond

Its a mad mad world !!!

Why would I in a time when everything is absolutely "normal" say somthing like that.

Well because firstly its not about now or then, but the times when I tire out my grey cells (whatever there r) in some (u may say worthless) brooding and 2ndly because thats how it is. So here I was reading a book and the introduction says that the moral of the story is we become what we pretend to be, so be careful what you pretend to be. (Is it so??? Some people say we are what we are.) I havent finished the book yet, so I dont know how the story ends up to prove that. And I will keep my views about the moral to myself till I finish the book. But in any case its better to take the writer's caution. (This book, btw for those who r wondering, is abt a person who lives and wrks for the Nazis and secretly as a spy for the Allieds. His secret unknown to his parents even his wife, whats more he gets caught, no not by the Nazis but by the Allieds and then is sent to a prison in Israel. Great isnt it?)

So back to the mad world. To the people who live amidst controversies and are themselves unaware of it and probably those who do that knowingly (like the character of the book). Unfortunately the book is not the only place where we find it. Now dont expect me to speak smthing on Politics. I know tht must be the first thing tht came to your mind. But I found them in lot of other places like the journalist who had a phobia for writing and the word for "fear of long words". (I wonder what those ppl will do if they come to know wat they r suffering from.) And ther r others like the communal riots, the bomb blasts just before Diwali, the river (if u r wondering how the river can be such a place, then try visiting one crowded ghat of some river. )
River is not just the only such aspect of nature. (I know, now u will say, "Oh no!!! not again) In any case wat I mean is anything that is blessing can be a curse. As human we are quite well aware of it from our first invention, fire to the atom bombs, plastics and wat not. Anything that is true can so well be a lie. And well I cannot leave out the people I come across in everyday life., in the newspaper, TV, and smtimes in real. This world is a stage so well said and we are all struggling to do our best in the roles that r given to us. (or may be pretending to be someone we r not)

Someone once said that my nature consists of every opposite characteristic. I agreed to some extent but I still wondered if it was true. And if so then what are the characteristics which were being pointed out. I dont remember if we ever talked about it or not. But then how does it matter. It afterall is a mad mad world and I am a part of. Sooner I accept, the better.

Now back to my book. Well may be I will write something abt it after I finish.

Random thoughts

[these are absolutely random thoughts. i regret the incoherent and confusing write-up.]

The more I try to look at the simplicities of life (i.e if there r !!! ), the more they get complex (as if they were not !!!) and I give up (did I have to even try??!! )

Then again there are times when I find in those complexities some simple thoughts and simple pleasures. I am being paradoxical, you would say. I will agree. But I cannot help it.

Human mind is probably the most complex of all creations. It has the ability to create things more complex than itself (if u remember ur school/college days, you cannot help but agree). The thought that this whole universe(including the human mind) is created with just five elements (if you believe it. i am not sure) sends me into fits of wonder. Impossible I say. Not just because of the complexities but the opposing natures of various creations and the wide disparities. But who knows. On smaller range the same thing happens in Chemistry. So I continue to ponder (do u think my mind is wrking overtime??).

I then extend this to thoughts. We cannot look into somebody else's mind and see what's cooking. Forget abt others, psychologist say there are aspects in our own mind which we have not explored. But once in a while when a glimpse some intangible thoughts comes close to my perception, it gives me a shock. Some of them are so close to my own mind that I wonder if i was looking into a mirror and some so far away that their origin remains a mystery i dont want to know.

But more than that wat I find difficult to comprehend is that ppl whom i suspected to know are so different from wat i thought them to be and whom i never got to know r so much like me. And do these realisations affect? 'No' i will say. Am I pretending to be someone else? May be not exactly but some beliefs have taken roots and i am unable to shake them of just like that... may be i dont even want to. Is that called pretention?

These seldom matter. A speed-breaker in the journey of life may be but life goes on soon with the same pace as ever. And I am back to the quest of simplicity in complexity to find just the opposite. (oops!!! did I mess up somewhere??!! )

Of Books and Authors II

(For all the readers of this blog, I have included the links to my poems in the side-bar. If you go through them, don't forget to drop in your comment)

I never finished the more-than-1100-pages book in fear that once I finished, I would never care to look at Holmes again. Today I took out the book and smiled at myself.

Soon after this during the same years I was introduced to Ruskin Bond. It was his simplicity of words that stole my attention, the depth of his thoughts. And his stories were in first person and while reading them I felt as if I was his confidant. There was something personal in the way his stories were told, quite different from Dr Watson who (almost) merely placed the facts before the readers. There were more reasons - his closeness to nature and that he could touch all the stages of life - childhood, youth and old age in the same way. Then there was the twists he always managed to bring about in some of his short stories like "The eyes have it".

Coming to short stories of course how can I forget some of my all time favorites "The last leaf" by O.Henry, "The Open Window" by Saki, ... I am forgetting some of them, there are so many which I can always read and enjoy even for the umpteenth time. The best however remains "The face on the wall"by E.V.Lucas.

In my standard 9th and 10th I had to stop my frequent trysts with story books. Then in my 11th it started again. But this time the books were quite different. Most of the time I finished them just because I had started them. I didn't give them much of my time either. After 12th, I started classics. "Jane Eyre" was good. "Pride and Prejudice" was fine. But after reading "Sense and Sensibility", I lost interest. The next book I undertook was "Fountainhead". The philosophy went way over my head but I liked it because of the strength of the characters.

Many books came on my way after that - books by Jeffery Archer, "Harry Potter", "Class", "Animal Farm", "Diary of a young girl", and there were more (my memory fails me). I liked them for different reasons.

In the recent days I read Da Vinci Code, The Alchemist. I also read some Indian authors whom I liked because of the richness of language, the poetic approach and because it was not one of those cut-sliced-and-served-on-a-plate sort of book, it was as-you-want-to-take-it kind of book. This includes one more book "The pale view of hills" (my regrets, I forgot the name of the Japanese author).

But you see all these still do not answer the question "Who is my favourite author". All are so much different from each other and I like them for different reasons. Is it not possible that the question remains unanswered.

Of Books and Authors - I

I always believed reading is my hobby. Of course I will agree that from the vast sea of books that exist, what I have tasted probably does not constitute even one drop. But does that matter? I wonder. Then the usual question comes up, "Who is my favourite author". For various reasons I always stumble upon this question. Although I do manage to answer, but the question continues linger in my sub-conscious.

My earliest memories are of the "Champaks" and "Tinkles" that used to occupy most of my reading. Then came "Tintin", "Asterisks" and all. With the introduction to my mother tongue I came in touch with bengali works including compositions of my father. All these were very prized possessions of mine. And I still remember the feel of the warm fresh tears that streamed down my eyes when I was returned one of my prized possessions in tattered conditions. It was as if someone very close to me was returned to me in near-death condition after being brutally tortured. That was when I was in class 1st.

My change of school in 4th standard brought me to the magical world of library. And with that I was introduced to Enid Blyton and the like. I actually do not remember the various authors whose work I read then because at that time, the characters were more important. Some of the characters were Mr Pickwick, Amelia Jane, and how can I forget Alice and Peter Pan. Then came the adventures. My first step was Famous Five, then I ascended to Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys. But none of these made much of an impact.

It was then that I came across Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes. All previous books gave a feeling of imagination but this one was different. I used to get so engrossed while reading it that I thought I was a part of the team too. I started admiring Holmes. His deductions, calculated moves, acumen, penetrating mind, flawless logic, the calmness with which he dealt with the situations - all used to take away my breath. Each time I found him in some danger, my heart used to skip a beat. Everywhere I went, be it school or travel the almost 5 cm thick book was to be with me. For me he was a like a living legend and I denied to believe that he was a work of fiction. I still remember after I read a story in which he couldn't catch the culprit (the culprit was a lady) I remained heartbroken for quite sometime. That was in standard 7th - 8th.

I am sorry the constraint of time does not permit me to continue. So I will take a break today but I will return soon with the rest of the journey.

Is it morning yet??

It so happened that I decided to revive my writing habits and came across this... an excerpt of something I never completed it and probably never will do :( . You are free to assume the previous and later parts. This is more of an abstract and not a story. I understand, there is no plot.


... It was one of those bright sunny morning you would love to see when u wake up from a chilly winter night with the sunrays glistening the window-panes and the sun neither too glaring nor hidden by the cold. One in which the sky is clear blue, almost transparent, as if you can see the heaven above. One in which the fury of the heaven is forgotten. For some days, the sunny mornings had become quite common, so much that it was almost forgotten that the season was still of winter... winter - cold, frosty, chilly winter... one that does not have snows but just sharp, freezing breeze cutting through life. For, it was yet another sunny morning with no breeze to cut through and walking on such a morning is not mere pleasure, but more than that, an experience that one would like to have everyday. But then when things happen too often, they are taken for granted, their pleasures forgotten, importance lost and uniqueness merged with the "common". The same thing happened with this morning as well. It was taken for granted, its gleaming glory lost in the mundane works of everyday. Untill there was a flash of light. A silent flash that was easily missed in the broad daylight. Lightning with no sound of thunder - like the slit of a knife suddenly slicing the skin, blood oozing out, no pain but just a realization that the skin is cut. With that flash the sun was lost. Dark, heavy, frightening clouds took over the sky, curtailing the heaven that was till now visible. Darkness consumed the land like the wild fire that spreads in a jungle.

It rained. Heavy drops fell, dotting the soft land with grooves. Grooves that would remind of the rain long after the water vaporizes above or percolates down and the land is dry again. And with the rain a cold, chilly winter night descended ...too early, too quickly for the bright sunny day. The beating of the heavy rain in the ground lulled ... no... lulled is too soft a word... frightened the mankind into sleep. Each time the eyes opened, the mind thought "is it moring yet", and the heart asked, "where did I lose my bright sunny morning". And nature does not reply, but the question echoes -

Is it morning yet??

Ahem... I guess this was a try to write something different form my usual things. A bad try I agree, but a try is still a try... :D,And bear with me for this is neither a poem nor a story. And however much I try, I cannot turn my eyes away from nature :D as I am asked to do so often.

Fumes of thoughts

Life is just one thing after another.

A book.
A book of disjoint short chapters arranged in chronological order. But stll disjoint.
Just as a book is read, one by one the pages are turned almost unknown to wat the next page holds. One by one the chapters end, a new chapter opens. And the previous chapter vanishes in a blur... unknown to us, we dont even doubt tht it was once so much a part of us. But sometimes the old chapters are very precious to us... we treasure them, lock them up in shelves so tht we can read them again. And they remain there... silent, untouched, undisturbed for so long that the pages turn to dust... layers of dust accumulate... and even wind dares not disturb them, lest it wakes them up from their eternal sleep... somewhere on those pages, it is written tacitly RIP... and we never touch them or visit them not even to put flowers... our treaured pages, chapters locked up safely in shelves of closed rooms. Rooms that are curtained thickly to drive away the bright sunlight. Then from those dusts of forgotten chapters thick white fume rise... clouds of fumes that slowly envelope the closed room... fumes that come out from the pages that burn slowly without a flame. And amidst those thick cloud we suffocate.

But thts just one part of it. It is not always like this. Sometimes the windows are let open. The fumes move away, mingle in the fresh air, get diluted and is soon forgotten just like the pages from where they rose.

And life... goes on... one thing after another... a book... a river. And in its course, bubbles form, bubbles - soft, delicate... vulnerable to even a slightest touch that causes it to burst and disappear leaving no trails behind, no footmarks to be washed by the river.

But its beautiful. The book as we read its pages. The present. Even the forgotten past and the anticipative future... all blended into one... the colour of white... tranquility.
And the river... the flowing river....

I see the inundation sweet,
I hear the spending of the steam
Through years, through men, through Nature fleet,
Through love and thought, through power and dream.

And life sings....

For men may come and men may go
But I go on forever

Friendship week.

There’s a miracle of friendship that
dwells within the heart
And you don’t know how it happens
or where it gets its start
But the happiness it brings you
always gives a special lift
Any you realize that friendship
Is God’s most perfect gift
-Anon.

First of all a very happy friendship week to all the readers of this post :)

This post is written in an attempt to thank the second best pepole in my life ... (the first and foremost being my family). It will be a long list if I started mentioning everybody here... from the time of my primary school days (whom i had the chance of meeting once more this summer), then my XIth - XIIth friends (without whom i would not have survived that altogether new and strange place... and with some of whom, i dont have any contacts now :( )... my friends at Delhi,(who were a constant support at a very crucial point... and who had found a special place for themselves in a very short time... less than 6 months..) and last but most importantly my friends whom I have gathered here in a span of 2 years.... some very recently and some from the very first day or even before that. We have argued on difference of opinions, fought on petty stuffs, consoled at the weak times, supported at the broken moments, pulled each other's legs, laughed on PJs more than all these they were always there for me.

I believe, whatever I am, I have been influenced by everyone whom I have come across in the course of journey of my life. The appreciations, criticisms, the simple words and the philosophical "fattes", each of them has its own hand in forming my opinion of life and living. And since I consider myself an unique individual (just like everyone else), I am thankful to all those people of my life for making me what I am. (And in case u consider me "not so good".... now u know, whom to blame :D)

A heartfelt thanks to all my friends who still remember me, even to all those from whose memory I have faded away, to those who believed in me and more than that to those who wanted me to prove myself before them.

Happy friendship week once again.

Signing off
Anki

Dreams

Only as high as I reach can I grow
Only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.
--Karen Ravn

So we all dream, from when, is a matter we never tried to find out, for dictionary defines dream as A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. And we have no memory of our first dream. :D

There are other dreams as well... the ones I am talking about now.

And in our strive to realise these dreams there always comes moments when you reach a fork in your road, and you have to choose. Most of the time... in fact why most of the time, i should say always... the future depends on your choice. The problem is that there is no such choice as "none of these". And in the process of sitting on the fence we have actually decided our next course even if involuntarily. I ofcourse wouldnt like to do something like that so that if tommorrow i look back, at least i will be able tell that okey fine may be i was wrong, may be it didnt work but i was at least sure what i was doing.

For now at least i can say well i did realise some of my dreams and well not all are related to acads :D. And now again i am sitting here having decided one more of my choices... to see if it takes me to the realisation of my next dream.

Here as i write about my next dream, i count those of my past... wasnt bad... i say 4 out of 6 were realised... as far as i remember. And the ones I dont remember must not be worth counting... !!!

Nature and me

Well this post is actually an effort to clear up certain misconceptions people have assumed from my previous post.

 

I love Nature... no doubt about it. I can stare at it and think about it for hours together but no I am not a nature watcher (i don't know if i am using the proper word) .. what I mean is I do not study nature. I can listen to the sounds of birds and look at them but don't tell me to recognise them, i cannot(i am not talking about crows and sparrows , if that is what came to ur mind). I always stare at the starlit night sky but then i cannot tell you which group of star is which constellation.. (the only one I can recognise is the "Saptarishi").. or differentiate the planets from the stars for sure.. i can try but then everyone can do that. Loving nature doesnt mean i wander in forests in search of rare species or i can go to a jungle and stare at the eyes of tiger just because its a part of Nature. Well okey, tiger is too big a thing, i have my fears for smaller creatures as well... snakes, scorpions (which this rainy season has brought before me quite a lot of time). I cannot look at a tree and say its biological name (or even the common name sometimes). Yes, i look at the moon too often, but then that doesnt mean i can look at it and say which month or season or time of the year it is... i prefer refering to the calendar for that. Sea, for example is a beautiful aspect of nature... i love to watch the waves rise and fall... but plss do not ask me if it is low tide or high tide. I love watching clouds, their varied shapes but no, i cannot tell u if they are Stratus or Cumulus (there was one more, i dont even remember the name). And I love seasons but may be sometimes i am not even sure which month is for which season (except winter and summer ... and rain too)

 

I look at nature in everyday life ... the same things which even you notice. I look at raindrops (can i help it, if i am stranded somewhere for the want of an umbrella)... falling leaves (even you would if u were sitting/standing beneath a tree at the season of fall), the sky, stars, floating clouds,moon, sun (if its not so bright).. flowing streams, flowers, butterflies... aspects which no one can miss. I look at sunset, sunrise (although rarely), falling and rising of waves, trees, stones, scintillating dewdrops... havent you seen these too?? I hear the "music" nature (thats how I refer it) in the "chirping" birds, "whispering" wind, "rustling" leaves, the "rattling" brook , the "gushing" rapids or even the soft sounds of flowing river. I claim that i can listen to "silence" but isn't "zero" a number too?

 

And i agree they do titilate my senses... that they are reasons why so may thoughts are cooked in my small mind.Yes, i can relate nature to anything. Give me a situation and i will tell you in which aspect of nature you can find it. Agreement or diagreement is ofcourse possible. I can find moments in raindrops, passing time in flowing river, moods in seasons, expressions in flowers, emotions in sky... inspiration as well as depression in natural phenomenon .... just anything in nature and even the whole nature in anything... like myself.

I am a part of this world
This world, a part of me
Every aspect of nature
In me, you can see

No, i am not a philosopher, thinker may be, but then everybody thinks... isn't that what human mind is for?

 

Home sweet home

Monday morning.... I leave for Howrah from Kharagpur along with one of my uncle. My train arrives at 12.30 pm. I find my seat, chain my suitcase and sit there waiting eagerly for it to leave. 35 hrs is a long time more so if the only journeys i have taken alone had been overnight journeys or of 5-6 hrs durations. But at that time, that was not my concern... what was more important to me was that at the end of those 35 hrs i will be at home sweet home. The journey started... i was sitting in the window side seat... staring at the sights of nature as is my habit. After a duration of 3 hours, there was nothing much to see and i found the option of sleeping better . Half an hour of sweet slumber exploraion and then back to senses. My co-passenger had by then introduced himself to me...  We had quite a chat on matters of career, in which of course i did not have much to say. Anyways, then I found a newspaper and started browsing through it.... and found an article in a corner of the 3rd or 4th page...about a train robbery at gunpoint near Dhanbad line. As I was reading it casually (nowadays these news r quite common), what striked my mind is that our train was going on tht same line. Then came the realisation tht in our coach... there were not more than 20 people. Not that i was scared... but it just occured to me.  And as is my nature... i decided to scare my copassenger as well... !!!

By then we had entered the state of Jharkhand... and with all due respect to the ppl threre.. the place was not a very happy thing to see (considering the situation we were in.) Dhanbad was the last place where we found a proper station and signal in our mobiles. What continued after that was a series of uninhabited area.

 

"Nature is beautiful" ... coming that from me is nothing new for a person who has read my poems. isn't it? But this was perhaps the first time i had seen it so minutely or rather realised that i was looking at Nature. So now you will be going through the jumbled up thoughts of my mind when i was "with" nature.

Stones... hard stones... often when stones come to our mind.. we try to recognise them with absence of feelings and emotions... but why then when i saw those glistening black stones washed by the rain, they didnt bring such thoughts to my mind. Why did I enjoy looking at them... watching the sunrays play with them with so much glee. It was perhaps the first time when i saw stones from a different angle. Now i know.. why Diamond is a stone. Stones r beautiful. And once in a while I would find a tiny stream struggling to find ways through them.. and I would wonder what is it that gave that tiny stream so much strength and perseverence. Its a beatiful sight, believe me, more beautiful than the huge waterfalls. Know why?? because... the strong always has strength, it is rarer to see the strength of something small... no may be i am wrong... its not so rare in nature. The stream then joins some large or not so large expanse of water and then they flow... more or less like a river. Once in a while u can see small waves in them that try to emerge out and are gently crushed down again...wow!!! Then suddenly I will find drops of rain pouring down... a slight drizzle is more lovely to watch than heavy rain as i try to look at the patterns made on those water bodies when the rain drops touch them. Each drop makes a differrent pattern... and it keeps changing in small instances.... if only i could capture them somewhere... may be i did .. in my mind...in my heart... or else i would not have been writing this ...isnt it? From the water I would divert my mind to the skies... clouds floating... how beautifully they roam... as if the vast sky was their play ground... why did that picture remind me of my school play ground during the lunch hours. Morning sky is not noticed by many people... or may be i should say by me... all i see is stars and moon and when i thought of "morning"... u know what came to my mind.... yet isnt it in the morning when we see the clouds... beautiful clouds, each having its own shape... an identity perhaps. And then these clouds should bring rain. 

Rain... drops of water... tears... its my usual way of interpreting rain... i know i am wrong. I dont know when was it that i started thinking that.. when it rains, the sky cries.... but that thought has been with me ever since. Yet isnt it in the rain when the children play, as i could see now and then through my window... or when the peacock dances... isnt rain after the summer a relief... even i like getting drenched... but then doesnt too much rain bring flood...as in Gujrat. 

 

My co-passenger was ofcourse not enjoying my thoughts. While I was looking at the various trees of diiferent heights... he would find a tower and say... "that must be a doordarshan tower, if it were a telecomm tower, we should have got signals in our mobiles..." and i would silently agree. He would worry at the sight of uninhabited jungles and our safety in such areas... what if the train stopped... and so on. I on the other hand, was not interested in brooding on something which was neither giving me pleasure nor was my responsibility and hence let my poetic self enjoy the treats of sights....and i was careful that i wasnt voicing my unscientific thoughts, afterall as a budding engineer i am supposed to have some scientific thoughts... and i did not want to break that image of a JEE qualified bright student... once in a while the pangs in my stomach would remind me that probably it would have been better to be in an inhabited area, at least food was not a problem there... but soon i would return to my Nature.

 

We crossed the jungles and reached some villages.. if u call them so, for, village is perhaps not defined as a solitary house at the middle of nowhere... but then that is what i saw....once in a while I would see some people walking hurriedly towards some decided place alone or in groups of 2 or 3 with their umbrellas safely tugged beneath their arms...(it wasnt raining)..but. barefooted... and i would wonder what kind of life were they living that the necessity of an umbrella surpassed the necessity of a proper footwear.... and as i was wondering whether they have ever used  it... i found two more persons... this time not barefooted... but u know wat... they were on bicycles, barely requiring the shoes... UNFAIR!!!! my mind shrieked... but somebody told me life was not unfair... may be i had little idea of fairness and judgement... i shouldnt bother my little mind with it... and let life do wat it likes. Then one of those barefooted pedestrian would cross the stream stopping to wash his feet and i would see... their are certain small pleasures which perhaps, we people will never enjoy. Life for everyone is beautiful if he/she wishes it to be. Slowly night engulfed the region.... it was as if a blanket was taken and the whole world was covered with it... reminds me of winter nights.

 

Slowly... lights were seen... we were quite happy to  see electricity in that region... it wasnt that bad after all. There were of course some areas where the only source of heat and light were still the pre-historic source - "fire"... but single bulbs were also seen once in a while. All of a sudden i would find a TV visible through an open window...and I would yell with joy!!! My co-passenger must have thought me a fool... not that I care... afterall there are few moments in life when we should be happy without worrying too much. Night and  sleep... my world of dream was calling me... i left the real world for those precious moments when i enjoyed being the princess of those lands of dreamworld. Morning never forgets to come and sleep somehow has to leave... i was back to the real world once again to the world of my Nature.

 

This time the sights were not so much natural... there was water everywhere... we kept crossing rivers... small ones whose names i don't remember and big ones like Sone, Narmada.... and so on.... soon i lost the count but it must have been more than 15... i remember counting till then....you must be thinking... water everywhere is natural... isnt it... then imagine broken trees, bent electric poles and torn down electric wires... does the pcture come clearly to you now... i was moving through a flooded area.

 

We reached a somewhat bigger station, where it was announced that the route of our train was changing. Now all I wanted was to reach home somehow... route doesnt matter , destination does. thts it!!! After some long  tense hrs, i found myself holding the hands of my Dad. I ws home... home sweet home.

Ah Life!!!

Summer Vacations!!! Home Sweet Home!!!

 

And with the advent of monsoons all i want is to be in my room...on my bed  beside the open window and enjoying the drizzle outside with a sip of hot chocolate and something spicy to munch on !!! wow... LIFE!!!

 

Well it so happened that i came face to face with monsoon after a long time... and silly me, with no umbrella as usual cannot help getting stranded every now and then just anywhere. Like one day as i was coming back from lunch i reached my room all soaked up and drenched... and that reminded me of those school days when every 15th Aug and 26th Jan (yes i know u dont expect rains in Jan but thats how it happened)... we used to go to the parade ground... and as soon as we used to start... it just has to rain and that to heavily. We ofcourse cudnt run away...so we finished our part beneath the battering of the rain. And once we were all wet... umbrella and raincoats were of no use to us... and this was one time when we got drenched "legally"... well our parents cudnt scold us for this one.

And as i cycled back to home i would find my dear mom standing there waiting for her little girl... once at home i would be hushed to my room warmed up and given my glass of hot chocolate... and there i will be relishing those special attention... and no scolding.

 

Then once the rain was over... i used to come out for a walk or take my cycle with me... enjoy the cool breeze...the fragrance of the newly wet ground... the new green leaves... listen to the nusic of nature...find the puddles in the roads... and all of a sudden to the amazement of  an unaware pedestrian... SPLASH... then look at him/her with all innocence as if it was not my fault... and he/she would say "its ok beta"... and walk away cursing the rain or looking at the spoilt clothes...

 

Aha LIFE!!!

 

Now I guess since it has stopped raining... its my time to get back to the Lab!!!

 

Ah Life!!!

On my way to Neverland

Well it so happened that a few days back, I stumbled upon a quiz that would let me know which fairytale character was my alter ego. Curious little child as I am, I couldn't fight the urge to find it out. And guess where did I stand? The one and only PETER PAN !!!

If you are one of those who are acquainted with the fairytale characters, I need not tell you about Peter Pan and his Neverland. And well I have that fantastic habit of looking into small incidents and work them into something deeper. So this five minutes quiz led me to this post of mine. Well, probably if I was to find my alter ego among the characters from books of Lewis Caroll and not fairytales, I would have landed up with Alice and then this blog would have been named "Down the Rabbit Hole". I suppose by now, you have understood which trait of mine guided me to Peter Pan - just that "I don't want to grow up"

The statement seems to come from an extremely pampered and spoiled child who doesn't want to take her responsibilities. Isn't it?? Well, whether I am like that or not that is for you to decide if you know me (if you do not, plss don't bother). I for myself will of course not agree that I am either a pampered child or a spoilt girl. :D

Then comes the obvious question... "Why then I do not want to grow up?"

Time does move on, isn't it? In a pace of its own, often pushing us into caves of wonder and then again pulling us back. I too am one of those victims of time. I travel in its course like every mortal being sometimes looking back at the attributes I gathered on my way and the ones I left somewhere behind. This time when I looked back or should I say looked into my heart, I found yes, I really don't want to grow up because on my way to this stage among all the facets that I imbibed, there are things like cynical approach to life, mistrust for not just people but situations and probably for this world as a whole and something called apprehension for this moment as well as for something that I have not anticipated yet, that is yet to come.

I know you will protest, you will say I have learnt so many things. Yes, you are right. I have learnt many things like - to look into this world and say "I know you are faking, so am I", that whenever I look a falling star and wish for something, I deceive myself, that fairies are just whims, that the characters from the books of Enid Blyton and Lewis Carroll cannot come to life, that I cannot wander in this cosmos on a floating cloud, that when a tree is thick and stout it doesn't mean it will lead to the world of elves. That if I see the moon smiling, it is my stupid mind and not the moon, that winds do not whisper secrets into my ears they just cause vibrations that reach our eardrums, that the scintillating dewdrops that I see in the morning are not jewels of some celestial beings but just droplets of water, that if someone says something, it doesn't mean it is true.

I miss those times of intrepidity when I thought this world is a beautiful place, that people are veracious, when I believed in the existence of innocence, when I was credulous enough to believe that I can reach the moon climbing up a ladder, when I was ignorant of pretence and feigning (and now I have trouble convincing myself that I am true), when it was not known to me that in between the colours of black and white, there is one more shade - grey. When I had not noticed that a frown is just a smile turned upside down and it doesn't take time to swap them at least the smile to a frown, and what's more I hate to realize again and again that my world of imagination is not a part of the real world. There is a very wide gap between them that I can never fill up and someday I will have to leave that beautiful world of mine forever.

I can give you a hundred more reasons why I don't want to grow up, why I miss being a child (as if I am not!!!) but for now this is enough.

And I know, now you will pour down all your reasoning in favour of growing up, isn't it?? You know what? I hate that my mind acquiesces that you are right, that even while I continue to grumble against growing up, somewhere deep down I know growing up is JUSTIFIED and I hate this fact!!!

Drops of rain

Raining is a common phenomenon.

A few days back, in the evening it started raining. There was power failure, I didn't have anything to do so I came out of my lab to watch the drops falling, something that I have done so many times. But that day found it was different.

As it rained, each drop fell as a single entity. At times stopped by the leaves of the trees on the yard of my lab. But then they compile into one big drop and finally fall down to join the big puddle formed due to the unevenness of the ground. Then this water finally joins somewhere the sea, must be isn't it? where else will the water go!

In the same way when moments come, they come as single entity. Sometimes stopped because of special reasons and then they accumulate in our memory. And finally join the vast scope of eternity.

But then I cannot retrieve back the individual raindrops from the puddle. Isn't that unfair? I have to hold them as an aggregate. The same thing happens to our memory.

Rain kept falling and I got drowned into my puddle of thoughts. As always!

Apprehension

When I first thought of blogging this, it was to share a 10 minutes experience on a very normal platform of a station. If I tell you that all I did was standing there for the whole of 10 minutes and looking at people passing by, you will find it funny that I would want to share it. But for me, in that 10 minutes I decided that I wanted to come back there to relive some of the cherished moments spent there in the duration of my 7 years stay there.

Before actually coming back there, I nursed an apprehension in my heart with care so that I do not expect too much from those moments I was going to spend. That apprehension then, one day turned into a poem. This post is all about it.

I talked about my journey down the memory lane and how I struggled to find someone known there, that I found the place unfamiliar.

And though my mind shouted
The place was not unknown
My little heart could sense
All familiarity had gone

That I found the people speaking a language I did not know, that there was nobody I could recognize, that although in my times I knew all the roads, this time I found the paths strange.

The air that I thought had been
The soul of my life
Suffocated me so much that
To breath, I had to strive

I am frightened at the thought of going back or even looking at it once. Then finally at the end I console myself

Past is but memory
Locked up in the mind
But that in the present
Can I again find?

Well, I finally went to that place and relived all those moments with my dear friends and you will be probably glad to know that my apprehension was shattered into fragment I need not ever gather. Somethings really live forever as they are left.

Realization

We all take our life as single entity (at least I am guilty of doing so). What we do not realize that there are actually so many people who are connected to our life in some way or other. And I am not talking only about the people close to our lives like parents and acquaintances but someone distant as well. Someone we might even not know, for example imagine you came to work today by a rickshaw. It could be that it was his first earning of the day. You didn't even know that or even give a thought that you were responsible. And if I think in the opposite way, think of the person you refused. Who knows, may be he didn't even get a meal!!! By telling all this my intention is neither "blaming" nor "praising" anybody. I am just writing down my thoughts.

This was probably a very direct example. There could be something very indirect.

If you have been to the mechanical lab (I am sorry if you r not an engineer), you must have seen the gears. One is responsible to rotate the other and the process continues as long as there is another gear. May be the whole thing works like that. The influence of one person's action (one gear) on the other person (another gear) depends on the situation (like in case of gear it depends on the no of teeth). Ah!!! what a technical way of speaking ;)

But may be for now I should concentrate on closer things and not on the distant ones because they are actually in my hands. Realization is quite a thing, but what if u realize you are mistaken yet you know you have actually let the whole situation go out of your hands, that just as you think your life as a single entity there may be someone else doing the same thing. And that his/her actions will probably influence your life in a strong way. It is then that I come to know, well life is not so simple either mine or someone else'.  That human are social beings. It is all interwoven in a very complex manner and I cannot separate myself from the whole web-like stuff.

But the whole thing is soon forgotten. Until another situation arises or I am given another 'lecture'!!! But then thankfully I have those persons who keep giving me those lectures, whether or not i listen to them.

Thanks to those special persons of my life and if I have ever been a cause of pain. All I can say is I am sorry.

Thoughts

Well am I not fast!!! Since I started writing I have been posting everyday.

And if you are still reading, you must be finding it pretty interesting. Good enough for me. So you want to peep into my thoughts... hmmm there isn't much problem there except as in my own words

But as you travel, you may see
Dead ends and blind alley
And among those winter snow and frost
Take care, you may get lost!

Well actually I was thinking may be someday all my topics will exhaust and then this blog will be neglected and ignored. But that is impossible, can human mind ever stop thinking, can I ever stop writing? Not at all.

So people, I will always be here writing something!!!

Some days before I came across an article where I read about the "pi" pattern of writing poems. "pi" you know, right? 3.141592653589793... cool isn't it?? If you have read my last poem posted then you will understand what i mean by "pi" pattern. And as soon as I read the article what did I do? Of course wrote poems in that pattern and not 1 but 3 (quite a speed!!!)

And then Of course I came back to my original style and today I wrote 4 of them (gr8 isn't it!!!) Seems I have ample time and thoughts. That is also one more reason why I am blogging :-) .2 more reasons being....

1) Access to net

2)Unavailability of messenger :-D

Well not much to write today, but in future may be someday I will discuss some of my poems too.

Read on!!!

Signing off

Anki

Some lines

We often come across certain lines that either make a mark in our mind or are remembered just like that. Here are some of the lines that I have come across.

Few days back I was reading "Wings Of Fire" An Autobiography of A P J Abdul Kalam with Arun Tiwari. I coudn't finish the book (hopefully i will do so before leaving this place) but I came across quite a number of lines there. Here is one of them:

If you want to leave your footprints
On the sands of time
Do not drag your feet

How true!!! So simple yet so enlightening. how many of us doesn't know that dragging our feet leaves no footprints on the sand but how many of us think the same way about "sands of time"? Footprints and sands reminds me of another poem that I have come across many times, first time in my class 6th. It is titled "footprints". I don't remember the exact words but I suppose all of you must have come across it. (in case you have not and you want to... check this blog out after some weeks, I will write it ASAP)

Leaving marks on the sands of time... has it something to do with being famous? Because when fame comes to my mind, I almost immediately remember the lines of Emily Dickinson:

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Whatever does "leaving footprints on sands of time mean"... dragging one's feet probably means doing the work halfheartedly and that brings to my mind a series of lines.

The first one by Conrad Hilton

The man who wins is the average man,
Not built on any particular plan;
Not blessed with any particular luck -
Just steady and earnest and full of pluck.
The man who wins is the man who works,
Who neither labor nor trouble shirks;
Who uses his hands, his head, his eyes-
The man who wins is the man who tries.

Then comes by Lewis Carrol

Let craft, ambition, spite
Be quenched in Reason's night
Till weakness turn to might
Till what is dark be light

Till what is wrong be right

Of course none of us can forget to mention the famous lines by Robert Frost

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep

and then comes the famous poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling.

There is something about this poem that makes it so unique... I can read it again and again and still never think of not reading it one more time.

Then there are these lines which when I came across at once reminded me of the above mentioned poem.

For all your days prepare
And meet them ever alike
When you are the anvil, bear-
When you are the hammer, strike

There are many more such lines. I will continue some other time on some other context.

Keep coming back!!!

People

When we read a book, the first thing we require is to get hold of the character we arr reading about. It may be the protagonist or even any side character. For example take the case of Harry Potter, if you have read any of the books, you will remember he has green eyes. Did u see him? Of course not! It is the image we have built up in our mind and for this, the author is responsible. There may be other examples, have u ever read Arthur Conan Doyle's famous Sherlock Holmes? In the starting pages we get to know Holmes by Watson's description. It was an image created in his eyes that was transferred into our mind. The same thing happened with any client who came across Watson or Holmes. But the image of Watson was created in the reader's mind by his own thinking and assumptions. In any case my point is that before we proceed to read a book we must be acquainted with the main characters either by the author's description or by our own imaginations.

From books we come to real life. Does the same thing happen here? Yes, to some extent because when we claim we know a person, it simply means we can imagine the person in our mind. But there is a difference the image that is created in our mind may not be the same as created in someone else' mind because in this case there is no author who is transferring the image from his mind to ours. But does that mean somebody is wrong somewhere? May be not.

In a simple way, we can compare the whole thing to a cascaded if-then-else statement. Don't u think so? Depending on the situations, and reactions the end result varies. But may be this is the simplest analogy. Reality is much more complex. More so because sometimes the "conditions" remain same but the "statements" change giving altogether a new result.

Dawning

Welcome to my BLOG!!!

Well to start with, I used to think blogging is a very strange way of communicating thoughts... and I often thought why do people do so. And curious as I was I thought of experimenting with it myself and find out what makes blogging so interesting... so here I am opening up my own Blog page.

"Silence" - I have always associated silence with thinking and isn't blog all about thoughts... so this is all about my "silence"

As and when some thoughts come to my mind, I will keep updating this page... but don't expect too much.