Past, Present or Future?

Once upon a time, a very wise friend of mine declared with utter hopelessness that I live in past. She accused me of getting so busy trying to re-live my days of past that I forgot everything else. That day I almost questioned her but then kept silent considering she was wiser than me. The accusation did not really make me glad. I must have spent some good hours (you see, during those days I had ample time to waste) pondering on why she told that and if at all there was truth in it. I must have then wondered that considering what she is telling to be true, was I doing something wrong, and if there was a better way. If not then whether I would like to change (I am sure I must have had answered this particular question in negative). But anyways and after such analysis for hours, I must have forgotten the whole thing and reverted to my normal self i.e the self whom my friend accused of living in past. (You might wonder 'what was the use!'. I wonder that too.)

If I were told the same thing today, I wouldn't question anymore. I wouldn't even disagree. She was correct, although only 33.33%.  You see, I live in past, present, future all at once! And trust me, there is no better way. :)

You could live in past entirely, analyzing every single moment of your life and waste away your present. But I don't do that because firstly I don't have such a great memory and secondly if I waste away my present, somewhere in my future all my past would get exhausted. What will I ponder upon after that?!
You could live in just the present, making the most of it, doing the best you can but then how you will you ever appreciate your best efforts if you never look back? You could completely ignore the future believing that if you took care of your present, the future will take care of itself. It might be true. I will not argue on that part. But tell me, where will you get all your dreams without living the future? And what a barren life that will be with no dreams to follow!

No thank you. I am quite comfortable living in past, present and future all at once. It gets a little hectic at times, and at moments I mix them all up but trust me what a life it is!

How do you live?

-Anki

#PS: Forgive my frequent not-so-meaningful, insane blogs. Currently this is one of those things that is keeping me sane. :)

"I am nobody!" and some more

I shared with you all a few of my favorite lines few times before.

A few from collection
Some of my fav poems
Some lines

Here are a few more from Emily Dickinson
(Only the eight liners or less)


*     *    *    *      *      *

I had no time to hate, because
The grave would hinder me,
And life was not so ample I
Could finish enmity.

Nor had I time to love, but since
Some industry must be,
The little toil of love, I thought,
Was large enough for me.

*     *    *    *      *      *


You left me, sweet, two legacies,--
A legacy of love
A Heavenly Father would content,
Had He the offer of;

You left me boundaries of pain
Capacious as the sea,
Between eternity and time,
Your consciousness and me.

*     *    *    *      *      *

The sky is low, the clouds are mean,
A travelling flake of snow
Across a barn or through a rut
Debates if it will go.

A narrow wind complains all day
How some one treated him;
Nature, like us, is sometimes caught
Without her diadem.

*     *    *    *      *      *

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

*     *    *    *      *      *

For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.

For each beloved hour
Sharp pittances of years,
Bitter contested farthings
And coffers heaped with tears.

*     *    *    *      *      *

My favorite still remains

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us - don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know!

How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one's name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

*     *    *    *      *      *

Enjoy!

Mind Mélange

The Road (not)Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
 ...
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 "The Road not Taken" by Robert Frost. He wasn't probably talking about just one choice he made.

In fact, I think, it is at every moment of our life that we are faced with a set of choices. Sometimes we make those choices willingly, sometimes knowingly but unwillingly and sometimes unknowingly. What we forget is that those choices we made willingly, unwillingly or unknowingly  do make 'all the difference' in our life. It is not chance really, it is all about choices. The job, the place, the career, the time we spend, the friends we make, the foes that we gather, the love of our life or even all those things that we hate, in short everything about our life is made of our choices.

And yet, we always find ourselves cribbing, crying, complaining. Is that because we never realized while making those choices that we will have to live them too? Did we never realize that we design our own life? May be we never made them, may be we did not design our life. It feels a little demeaning probably, to take the credit of everything that went wrong in our life. It is easier to blame somebody - the system, our family, other people, boss, company, if no one else then God or Fate. Whatever you call it!

We are never taught to do that. Take credit that is. Probably it will be too much if people started taking credit for everything that went right as well. Where will rest of the people hide their lives then? And hence we do neither. We live a life in which our choices are m by others (not necessarily people whom we know). And then we cry, crib, carry on, accept, forget, and finally die. Easy life. Tried and tested for ages. No qualms.

There was a line is the movie Take the Lead:  "I look around this room and all I see is choices - choices waiting to be made."

We stand at different points of our life and cry, "What else can I do! This is fate. This is how I am supposed to live". We close our eyes to all those choices waiting to be made. We forget what we have in our hands - our ability to decide for ourselves. It is difficult to say what makes us close our eyes - the dread of the unknown or the love of the known. May be neither.  How do we then sit in cubicles and decide for our clients, our juniors, our friends, our family but cannot decide for ourselves? It doesn't matter how small or big the choice is -  the food, the job, our career, whether to fall in love or not, whom to fall in love with, whom to marry, how to live or rather how to die...

After all if something goes wrong, there should be someone to blame! Why take the risk! Isn't it?

And it is morning already!

Insomnia is a wonderful thing for someone who knows how to utilize those extra hours. Not really for people like me who realize that there were a few extra hours at hand only after having wasted them.

Every night like a good girl I go to sleep at a normal hour (or rather an hour that I consider normal). Needless to say, in spite of that after some few good half hours, I still find myself staring at the black void of night. The moment I realize that I am still awake, various thoughts emerge from the same void that I was staring at. The thoughts vary - my office work, something I was reading, the last phone call, the book I was planning to read, will I have headache next day, will I reach office in time, what will I miss if I do not, when did I sleep last time, my next blog (it is altogether a different thing that I might never write it)... rewind... events from some 5-10 yrs back... fast forward ... something about the future. No wonder after some pondering, I sit up, switch on the light, boot up my laptop, connect to the internet. Internet is a wonderful thing, no? Sit back and the entire world at your finger tips. Read, watch, listen, chat and get lost.

But sometimes that is not enough. And during those times, I play that one single song (which has recently caught my attention) in repeat mode, pick that half read book and try to drown myself. If it is interesting (if it were really interesting, it wouldn't have been half read) then probably those thoughts will leave me alone for a while but not really for a long time. And soon they are back each one trying hard to get my attention. And I am still staring, my eyes wide open. Where does sleep go!

A few hours later, the sky has started to uncover itself from the shroud of darkness. The sun is almost up. People who have an early start have already woken up. I can hear the noises in the streets. The car that is kept outside my window is getting washed. And I am still wide awake. A glance at the watch frightens me. I stop the music or may be let it play. Set a realistic (but not late) alarm and go back to sleep. I keep the lights on, may be that will help.

"Oh please please get me some sleep. I didn't even sleep after coming back from office. Why am I not asleep! I should have done something more productive than simply staring. I should have blogged. I haven't blogged for like an year. I should have finished that book. It has been with me for months. That last book I read xyz wasn't that good. Wonder for what it got the award. May be I am not good enough for it. Oh well but I liked the other one. I can read it all over again. I have that thing to finish tomorrow. I hope so-and-so turns up or else it will get delayed. I had a meeting. Did I have to prepare something for that? May be not. I have those bills to pay. When is the last date? And I had to go to bank. I forgot again. May be this Saturday. I will wake up early. Oh but I have to go somewhere else that day. May be next then. I had some other work also, I am forgetting. Did I get the tickets. Oh I haven't booked my return tickets yet. Tomorrow first thing. I won't get them otherwise. I didn't call Mom today. She will be worried. And I had to call that person. But the office is closed tomorrow. I should really set reminders for all these. I am kind of hungry. May be I should get up and eat something. But I won't get any sleep after that. Not that I am getting any even now. I wonder if I was like this in my schooldays. No I slept a lot those days. Actually I still do. Sometimes. Why not now :( It is raining outside. I love the sound of rains :) May be I should go outside and feel the rain. Let me make a paper boat. No let me not get up. Tomorrow... I should stop behaving like a kid. May be a few more years... Where was I? No I should stop thinking now. How does one do that? Stop thinking that is... Oh no! Today was 12th. I forgot to wish! She is going to kill me. There is one more coming this month... and then there was that.. what was it? I should have completed those.. I haven't been studying for days... may be tomorrow... "

And then the alarm rings.

"Oh is it morning already...Oh so I did sleep finally. Nice!"

Snooze.
"Just 5 more minutes".

Zzzzzz Zzzzz zzzz

"Whats the time?" A glance at the mobile. "OH NO!!! I am LATE!!!"

Good Morning ;)