This is my second new year after I shifted back here. Last time went in a blur. I sat in a corner, remembered the last new year and cried. I was with my family so when I wasn't alone, I smiled, laughed and pretended that there was nothing wrong and it was just another new year. That was pretty much it. It wasn't too long so even if someone saw me crying, they just left me alone.
This time I was prepared so before new year came, I had my days planned out. I would keep myself busy and distracted. So I met with friends, went for a movie, and so on. And the day was gone. Ah, I should be so proud of myself. But here is the thing, as soon as the day ended my distractions were gone and reality hit me like a big strong wave that was building up for so long
New years are usually reserved for reviewing last year. But like I said last year went in a blur (well, almost) and I really don't have anything to review. Looking back at some of the things that I faced in the last year, I am not even sure how I walked through the storm. It almost feels like I am thinking about a different person. I don't think if I was given that situation hypothetically and asked if I would be able to go through it, I would have said yes. Even now if I am asked, I would say no. The only difference is that now I have already done it. I don't know if it has made me stronger but I am sure I am not the same person anymore - for better or worse.
I did not read much but there were two books that really helped me - both of them recommended by my friends for which I am really grateful to them. I will confess, at first I wasn't sure I wanted to read them but I am glad I did. They are "Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Train" by Cheryl Strayed and "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi. Both the books deal with death and grief. They are not my stories, they cannot be but they are still there and perhaps someday I will be able to accept my story like they have been able to. Perhaps.
And this is a new year, as best as any time can be for starting to see that life goes on whether you want it to or not. Free will is overrated and so is fate.
This time I was prepared so before new year came, I had my days planned out. I would keep myself busy and distracted. So I met with friends, went for a movie, and so on. And the day was gone. Ah, I should be so proud of myself. But here is the thing, as soon as the day ended my distractions were gone and reality hit me like a big strong wave that was building up for so long
New years are usually reserved for reviewing last year. But like I said last year went in a blur (well, almost) and I really don't have anything to review. Looking back at some of the things that I faced in the last year, I am not even sure how I walked through the storm. It almost feels like I am thinking about a different person. I don't think if I was given that situation hypothetically and asked if I would be able to go through it, I would have said yes. Even now if I am asked, I would say no. The only difference is that now I have already done it. I don't know if it has made me stronger but I am sure I am not the same person anymore - for better or worse.
I did not read much but there were two books that really helped me - both of them recommended by my friends for which I am really grateful to them. I will confess, at first I wasn't sure I wanted to read them but I am glad I did. They are "Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Train" by Cheryl Strayed and "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi. Both the books deal with death and grief. They are not my stories, they cannot be but they are still there and perhaps someday I will be able to accept my story like they have been able to. Perhaps.
And this is a new year, as best as any time can be for starting to see that life goes on whether you want it to or not. Free will is overrated and so is fate.
